when i originally felt the call to the mission field, i immediately began to create ideas in my head of what that would look like. i imagined traveling from continent to continent spreading the Word and His love and maybe eventually settling down somewhere. that settling wouldn't come, of course, until i found my husband and the perfect ministry. something i would be happy with for the rest of my life. amazingly, i never viewed that as a selfish plan until recently.
when i look back on my own life, i can easily come up with a list of about 7 people that deeply influenced my walk with the Lord. these people challenged, encouraged, led and prayed for me. these people are not pastors from a three day revival. they are not speakers that i heard at a passion event. they are not counselors from camp. these are people that spent hours and hours investing in me. people who made incredible sacrifices simply for my benefit. people who saw a need in me, and allowed the Lord to use them in order to meet that need. these people poured so much into me. they gave me prayer, humility, wisdom and love. these people changed my life. they pushed me towards Christ. they didn't let me fail. the most precious thing these people gave me was their time. these relationships, i believe, would not have been nearly as effective if it were not for the time that was devoted. if this is true, why would i want to hop around from place to place? why go tell people that salvation is in Jesus and then leave them hanging there alone? would this type of mission work truly benefit my brother and sisters, or would it just be something fun and exciting for me?
if my ultimate goal is to bring Jesus to those that do not know Him, i think it is vital for me to find a way to truly pour my life into the lives of others. a 2 week mission trip, though wonderful, will not allow me to minister the way i feel called to. in discovering this, a huge desire awakened in my heart to simply mother orphans. that is what i want to do. i want to pour my entire life into raising orphaned children in a loving home that is completely Christ centered. i want to show these babies who Jesus is. i want to disciple them and offer them a life of hope. i want them to see the JOY that comes from Him. i want them to understand what it means to do everything for His glory. i want to tell them Bible stories, pray with them, praise with them. i want to struggle with them and laugh with them. i want Him to be able to use me.
so, what do i do right now? do i just keep going to school day after day for four years while babies are abandoned on the streets? or do i leave right now and start serving? why am i at school anyway? don't get me wrong, i have learned incredible things at moody and i would not want to be educated anywhere else in the world, but is this education really preparing me for what's ahead? do these babies need me to come to them with tons of knowledge about the Bible? or do they need me to come with them with a heart truly seeking Jesus and unshakable faith? maybe it's both. that's why i can not just jump into this. that's why i have to learn how to make myself completely open to two different options: 1) stay in school, move to chicago, major in international ministries or 2) quit school, drop everything i have, leave the country and begin to serve.
how do i figure this out? i learn to set aside my comforts. i figure out what's stopping me from going to either place, and i rid myself of selfishness.
going to chicago is easy. it's what the plan has been all along. it will mean spending another three years taking nice warm showers, being surrounded by fellow believers, growing with my best friends, worshipping the way i like. i won't have to make any big decisions or raise support... i'll just keep on walking down this same path and eventually in august, i'll show up there. but why would i be there? sometimes i think it's just so i'll have a degree if i ever need one. i do not need a diploma to move to guatemala (or wherever) and adopt children. however, if i ever decide to move back to the US, life would be much easier if i was a college graduate. so, it's a back up plan, right? i'll spend four years of my life, ignoring the needs of people around the world, in order to insure that if my plans ever change, i'll have something to keep me standing. some would say this is a smart plan. it's wise to plan for the future. i say it's a lack of faith. if I want to come back to the US and be a normal american with a "real job" one day.... it doesn't matter. However, if the Lord wants me to come back to the US, i am completely sure that He will provide me with what i need to do that. He doesn't promise to give me a huge salary, a nice house, cute clothes for my kids... but He does promise that my strength is found in Him.
so, what if i do leave the country?
what if i'm lonely? what if i'm dirty? what if i'm hungry? what if i'm homesick? what if i'm persecuted? oh my gosh, what if i never find a husband there?
IT DOESN'T MATTER. He is bigger. He is stronger. He provides. He brings joy. He will be glorified and THAT is why i'm alive.
"... but whatever gain i had, i counted as a loss for the sake of Christ. indeed i count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord. FOR HIS SAKE, i have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that i may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness of God that depends on faith - that i may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, that by any means possible, i may attain the resurrection from the dead. "
-Philippians 3:7-11
i want this passage to mean something in my life. i don't want these to be the words of paul that i read all of my life. i want this to be the word of the Lord lived out in my life.
so, what if i remain living for me? what if i see my life as my own? what if i ignore God's calling? what if i am a mist that vanishes before the unbelievers hear the Truth?
or... what if i listen? what if i lay down everything so that HE can do anything? what if i only strive to glorify Him? what if i lose my life completely so that He can bring someone to Him?
verse after verse confirms these things for me. Jesus didn't ask us once to give up our lives, He told us time and time again that this is what it means to follow Him. He asked us to believe. do i believe? i say i do. but if i really believed, wouldn't i begin to ACT?
it's time to.
Romans 8:28-39
Romans 12:1-2
2 Corinthians 1:3-7
2 Corinthians 6:3-10
Galatians 1:10
Ephesians 4:1-6
Colossians 1:10-14
James 1:27
James 4:4-10
